Allow the Moment

Amidst a cobweb of feelings here I am. My deep breath returns as I finally sit alone. Unsettled, directionless, nursing a sense of being far away from home, here I am. A warm dandelion tea sits before me, cinnamon swirled on top romantically. The lights are dim and the small lounge holds me warmly, knowingly.

All I seem to be craving is pleasure and deep nourishment. So this evening I’m giving my feminine what she is calling out for, what she is yearning so deeply for. To be felt, and to be emotionally connected to something out of this physical world. To experience deep pleasure as this is what lights the soul up with pure joy.

There is an alarming shift in energy as of late, and I believe it’s in each of us. As a collective consciousness on this planet it must be in all of us even if some don’t seem to feel it. There is a strong pull to remain slow and grounded. As life around us is picking up its pace there is the strong temptation to want to join in and keep up for fear of missing out. For trying to catch up on time passed. However we forget what the last two years so loudly forced us into. Stillness, to stop doing and begin being. For it is in being that we truly feel each emotion, that we can grow to accept who we are and what we feel, so that we can understand others more deeply. So that we can understand ourselves more deeply and give ourselves what we genuinely need in order to be vibrant beings of love.

I’m trying to take the lessons of the past and implement them now. We’re not meant to struggle or be tired yet most of us are because we have taken to believe what society presents to us as normal, as truth. Whose truth? It doesn’t need to be your truth. Your truth is what lights you up, excites you and moves you into a state of being that radiates with pure bliss. That is able to feel every emotion, to sit deeply in sadness, cry in excessive loneliness and laugh until it hurts. There are no rules only limitations. Most of the time these limitations are self created. So break them and create new ways of thinking. Aligned ways of thinking. Aligned ways of being.

Slow down. 

Allow the moment to be felt deeply. 

Allow who we are the chance to breathe and be seen.

Loretta xo

    

State of Surrender

It’s hard to pinpoint the exact time in life when crying becomes ugly. The tears are not shed over a literal spillage that can be seen. There’s an internal spillage of emotions that begins at the centre of the chest. Try swallowing and the manifestation of emotion is merely aggravated. Like blowing out a flame only to find the light expand suddenly with each exhale. The chesty feeling both rises and drops. Up to the face and then down to the pit of the stomach. When I look in the mirror I see my face morph into something else. As ugly as it appears the whole ordeal is a relief and often leads to a restful sleep. Crying is exhaustively ugly, yet as an adult it is self-soothing. So when in life does crying become ugly? When you choose to look in the mirror, gasping for air, eyes silently pleading for help.

My eyes opened to a dark candle lit room. A contrast to the mellow sunset I had begun to watch fade. The meditation had bathed me in a glowing white light, so strong I felt the light’s gentle exit as I opened my eyes. I felt my body grounded once again, as if moments before I was floating above where my body sat. Now here on a Tuesday evening I am compelled to write, for I have crumbled under the weight of my reality, countless times since 2022 began. It has been a mentally rocky onset to the year. The tears have been soothing, an exhausting release. Now, in the worn and dry state of surrender I feel there is nothing left but to share my thoughts.

It’s been fourteen years since I purposely set foot on my soul discovering journey. I’ve never been alone, although there have been many many moments where I have felt incredibly lonely. Lucky for that anchoring feeling, my heart, which has kept me slightly sane. The beating has reminded me time and time again who I am, where I come from and where I am going. I often can’t express exactly where I am going because I have chosen not to see that destination, let alone the route there. If there is one thing I have learnt it is that all the answers to every question reside within our knowledge already. It's when we choose to see the answer it is revealed. As I write these words I feel stuck in the deepest hole yet. I know what I need to do to get out, I just haven’t chosen to see the answer yet. And in this moment, to make it a little easier, this is when I know I must surrender even more to the Universe. And so I do.

Loretta xo

A Step Out Of The Way

The sky sits stunned in blue, the pre dusk sun drapes the skin of commuters. Next to me fingers type languidly on keys, in front of me fingers tap softly to a song unknown to my ears. I hear a distant nose whistle as a man falls deep into rest, pierced by the conductor's whistle at the departing station. And here I sit, the familiar movie reel playing outside my window. I could fall asleep, wake up and still know where the story is at. 

It's taken me three attempts to write this post. Perhaps this is the one. Perhaps it's the steady motion of a rolling train on a Tuesday evening that will see the words flow. Rolling out of the hazy bustle of the city, back to the comfort of home.

It's taken me a few times to write and polish because I kept feeling like the words had been expressed too many times before. My own words tasted stale. Then again, this constant thought is at the crux of what I am reaching for. Getting out of my own way to allow things to happen. Getting out of my own thoughts and constant searching outside of me to let the aligned rise from within. To trust in myself and the divine power that is the Universe, the divine power that is Love. To trust in everything unfolding as it needs to. To express what I need to with confidence in my own voice.

A quote by St. Francis of Assisi appeared before me yesterday - 'Start by doing what's necessary, then do what's possible, and suddenly you're doing the impossible.' I read this as it is, about being in the moment as well as not letting go of feelings akin to our dreams. Using what we have, where we are, and our circumstances to transition into where our dreams lie. Most of us, if not all of us, are already in that transition. And some of us remain in limbo forever without even realising. Meditation and vigilance of the mind and of emotions are so important. Accepting everything as it comes and letting it pass. Gently, kindly. The small moments that get bigger and abundant each time we get out of our own way are like a breath out of water. It's a softening of the heart.

When any thought or action clashes with such gentleness, everything aligned falls. I can almost feel the flutter of feet within me when this happens. Hands clawing, pulling my heartstrings down. It brings this feeling of heaviness that sits inside when something isn't aligned. I learn each time, and each time all that is aligned with me becomes stronger and brighter.

The sky is still blue, a sheer curtain of smoky haze brushes against the approaching mountains. The sun is slowly falling. People have filtered out of the train. Someone is tapping away behind me, the seat next to me now vacant. 

Loretta xo

The Eye of Time

There's a smudge of grey blanketing the sky as I write, some sunlight filtering down. The cat is playful, a mere baby. He pads around the apartment, gazing at me every now and then with those full moon eyes of his. Deeply curious, deeply wise. It's just him and I this weekend, he is in my care. I adore the gentle and quiet way he leaps onto surfaces and the perfectly aligned way he sits, the way he stretches. How he is just him. The cat. Not mindlessly absorbing the ways of others around him, thinking too hard about who he needs to be in this world. He is who he is and that is that.

In fact this has been somewhat of a mantra for me this year. I am who I am and that is that.

I AM WHO I AM AND THAT IS THAT.

There have been many moments during this year that the words have slipped from my grasp, moved to sit behind the shadows cast by everything outside of me. However since the start of September something strong has shifted inside me for good this time. I sense the shift so deeply. The strength in who I am, here, right now as a woman and as a human being in this world. The strength resides and shines bright.

Three months lay sprawled between now and my thirtieth year alive in this world. So naturally I am reflective. Three months, thirty years, how time expands and contracts just like the breath in and out. How it seems to pause like the space between the inhale and exhale. I sit in this pause, the eye of time, amidst the beautiful storm that moves around me.

My day job really began to engulf me this year, in its vast and comfortable jaws. Being around the work and the people every single day made me want to rise in the environment. To work harder and not smarter. Definitely not intuitively and definitely not for myself. I applied and got into university to better my education in the field of work I have found myself in. I went out with my colleagues on Friday evenings getting ridiculously drunk and paying for it the next day. Because that's what you do isn't it? Work hard and long during the week to then finally let it all out on a Friday evening? No. This is not me. I lost myself. I let go of everything important in what defines me, what is aligned with me because I hadn't tried this way of life before. This 'normal' way to live. Thankfully I have returned to myself.

Something has never sat comfortably in me with abusing my body with alcohol and working in a day job where the content is dry and meaningless to me. Yet I do my best everyday. I turn up and I engage because the work is important to others and I respect this. I acknowledge this. However I am strong enough now to maintain my sense of self, and when I can, engage in work important to me. Thanks to submerging myself deeper into meditation I have returned to who I am. The shadows have passed, the breath from the mouth of the Universe has moved the tangled clouds from my vision.

I am a creative human being and this is how I am to live.

For as long as I can remember something hasn't felt right about working a day job to buy food, clothes, pay the bills, pay for transport and for holidays. All to support the day job which doesn't provide true fulfilment anyway. Counting down to the weekend where I can finally dive into what fills me up is not the best way to live. I am worthy of living everyday fulfilled, pouring out into the world what I am here for. We are all worthy of this.

There are two states of mind people live in. Working to live because this is what has been pumped into our minds since school. Be safe in your work, because how are you going to live otherwise? What will others think if you are not labelled by a good job, a respectable career? But is it respectable to yourself? This is the question that needs to be asked.

And then there is the way of life in which one has the power to create and manifest as one pleases. Living to work. Living to truthfully and uniquely serve others. Embracing creativity and trusting that all sources of abundance flow into life with ease. This is the way to live. With purpose. And I am in transition. I am grateful to be aware and awake.

Loretta xo

Space To Hold

I watched the mist crowd in this morning with ease and oblivious relief. The tiny droplets of water cooling the earth and the trees, the grey sky a welcoming shade over what had passed. The heat that had been sitting upon this little part of the world. As I opened my eyes from a refreshing meditation, my body exposed to the air that welcomed the passing of dark to dawn and dawn to morning, the view was vast. I was home.

Often I feel surrounded, sometimes almost suffocated by this need to be here and there, to be in a constant flurry of preparation. Almost months ahead, weeks ahead, days before where I have to be. In contrast I have a constant need to return to surroundings of space and stillness. Both inside and out. With no impending thoughts of a destination to be. To completely nourish in my own created space. I cherish this time with my whole being. I fear this is something missing in the collective mechanics of humanity.

In Buddhism there are four kinds of food, so to speak. One of these is volition, the motivation we each have within us to live out our days in which we are aligned to live. The hunger to live with intention. A healthy purpose. It's blissful to move like a cloud every now and then, however once in awhile it's warming to know I am moving with soulful intention. I believe it stimulates growth and awareness of myself and my surroundings. To come to this place in time is fuelled by holding space. No stimulation of any kind, sensory or the like. Perhaps for others it may be daunting to merely sit and breathe, to consciously breathe and focus in on the breath. To be the breath. However this enables for deep insight and each of our missions in this world to serve others. Being breath is a freeing break from external and internal voices shaping every movement and every thought. A strong inner desire can blossom in silence. To be free is to be love.

I yearn to return to this often. After hours of noise it is truly nourishing for me to return to stillness, space and silence. It gives life to the seeds of love and understanding that everyone inherently holds. It's often such seeds dry up and remain unfertilised, unloved.

Strength is drawn from this knowledge of stillness, silence and space.

The mist is as it is, drifting for a while and falling away in spacious beauty.

Loretta xo

Anchorage

There is magic somewhere between when dusk meets dawn. When the blanketed heat of an immense summer day is lifted. Slightly at first, one corner peeling upwards, followed by the slow lift of the entire body of heat. A time when our own bodies restore and rejuvenate as our minds rest. When ideas, answers and curiosities gently rise to the surface of our consciousness, to sit before our eyes. When dawn comes and we wake.

As of late I have felt peace in the waking moments before the first light of dawn. This slow and calm awakening anchors me for the day. In fact this early rising is one mere anchor that reminds me of myself. My grounding here on this earth, at present. I yearn to ease myself into the day, to meditate as the dawn awakens. Meditation is an anchor, for I carry the stillness of this practice through every day. Returning to the breath, to the energy centre within. Yoga, music, reading, these very words I write are anchors in my life. As the natural force of gravity descends upon our physical bodies, these anchors of choice descend upon our spiritual bodies.

We are more than we appear to each other.

Through enjoyable and aligned anchors I hope to radiate an even brighter energy. To increase the glow of my aura in the best way possible. I cannot fathom completely the importance of anchors in life at the present moment. This year is a divine year where energies will be rattled, and clarity will break, in fact is already breaking through everything that is past. I have felt this immense shift, beginning to move at the tail end of last year. Not only is my subjective outer perception clearer, but I am so much clearer within. And still. Settled. Strong.

Born from the act of creation, every single human being alive in this world today has the potential to create. To put forward a true part of yourself, an anchor. Something that reminds you of your sincere and aligned self. As an anchor is grounding it also reflects outwards. We each carry with us our bodies, serving both as a vessel and a mirror. Everything that goes within us will inevitably reflect from us. This is why I have with me my anchors, and they do anything but hold me down. They hold me together and act as a reminder of my alignment in and of this world.

Our souls are anchorage.

Holding us together.

As one, and as a whole.

Loretta xo

Soul and Service

To the left she is sitting, before me she is flat on the earth, breathing. The view through the tall windows ahead reveal the sculptured arms of trees dressed in green. The view of nature
for what seems like an eternity. To the left she is propped up by pillows, to the right she is comforted by blankets, merely resting within the very confines of air and space we all are. All present for similar reason.

When I imagine the soul I see a ball of light like the sun, so bright and ever present. Sometimes it can fit in the palm of my hand, and sometimes I can't fathom its immensity. Each one of us has a soul shining through our physical form. Glowing through our individual personalities. Reaching towards its peak of strength when we are our true selves.

Stripped back of our physical bodies, our minds and our hearts, the soul is universal.

What interests me most is the connection between the soul and our purpose in life. We are all unique in our personalities and our genetic makeup, as we are all different in the way we are of service to others. Once we have found the way a small pocket of the world lights up with love. This is how I see it and understand humanity's central role in life.

Surrounded by others, in white and at peace, I am at peace. The aura of each person expanding through the lightness and purity of white. The ease and the sheer openness, attracting everything in and holding onto only what is in alignment with each of our souls.

I hold and carry with me this bright aura of ease. Take the light and pure feeling with me, able to tap into the energy when circumstance calls for it. Strip myself of physical form, thoughts I am attached to, malleable traits that bend to fit my surroundings. To merely let the soul see and take the reigns for a short moment.

It's always within.

On a grey morning the sun is still awake, the personality of the day has just chosen to ride with a darker emotion. Grumbling, lighting up the sky and bawling wells of tears. The sun is still shining as one's soul will continue to shine.

Through everything.

Before everyone.

Loretta xo

Circle of Freedom

It was an unusually cool evening for December. The small fire burning in the dirt was enticing and charming, cutting through the slight chill with ease. Two large silver pots of fresh chair sat comfortably near the flames. The most delicious chai I have ever tasted, the spice just right. As more people arrived the circle became complete. I nursed the warm mug of chai in my hands and savoured every mouthful, feeling the warmth move gently through my body. Then came the drumming, the dancing, and the freedom.

Freedom.

The word I chose at the beginning of the year. The feeling of it, and what it means to me alone. The end of the year has come and I feel freedom has cultivated within and around me so beautifully. I am of it, and I am at peace and completely at one with who I am. Something I will now carry with me for the rest of my life. I have strengthened, as a woman and as a part of this universal population of souls having a human experience.

The rhythms I was hearing, and the sensation of hands to drum skin was magical. The way sound moves through us, how rhythm sparks such joy and movement. Dancing around the fire as the sun set and the light gently dimmed served such a release. Celebrating the summer solstice, the full moon, and the culmination of the year was so important to me. I released so much from within myself that I felt completely drained afterwards. Mentally, physically and spiritually. Completely empty and at the same time completely open to everything on its way to my open arms and open heart.

This year has been one of intense learning and subtle preparation. I let go so much of this year and a lot that has built up to it. I've let go so I can bring in what is aligned to who I am and the life that I am living. I've let go to come back to myself. My true self. I am in the midst of an awakening and life is so meaningful because of it.

I felt alive at the end of the evening, sitting around the fire with the full moon beaming like a child. Being around like-minded individuals celebrating a seasonal change, a moon cycle, and music is so empowering. We are not alone. With my hands on the earth, then on my heart, a song at my lips and bright souls all around me I felt bliss. A sense of being at the right place and at the right time. I am so grateful to have shared such an evening with others.

Now that this year finally feels complete to me, I can settle into intentions and thoughts for next year. I can take the lessons I've learnt, and the woman I have become to propel me gently into a fulfilling new year.

Loretta xo

Welcome

Thank you for being here.

What follows are writings of what I am learning as I continue to unfold in life, as the most creative and aligned version of myself.

Please take your time and read what draws you in.

Loretta xo